


Trace (don't go)

by Marta_Ayanami



Series: Of Gold, Green, White, Red, Sky, Blood, Purple, and Blue (Less than Infinite, more colours) [8]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Because I can, Gen, Loki POV, Loki wanted to feel like he is in power, Self-Blame, Ugh, and about the before thing, but did not do anything there in the end, fortunately there are no windows, my own awful headcanons, past and present events and maybe slightly confusing on first read, so no quality, takes place during Dark World, very fortunately, wrote itself in 2 minutes and i am half asleep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 12:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16597505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marta_Ayanami/pseuds/Marta_Ayanami
Summary: It's a lie. It's an illusion. It must be.If not, why would he still be breathing.





	Trace (don't go)

In his boring cell, he makes illusions to pass the time. At least everything was safe.

_No barren moon, no crevice--_

A lie. Asgard was a safe sanctuary, comfortingly, if, with much boredom.

Anyway, only illusions.

It's the only thing he had, here, apart from books from Mom...

No, not mother, Loki reminds himself. He musn't think of mother as his mother. It's better this way.

It is.

The illusions he makes in his cell - things that never happened - Loki becoming the kind of king his brother would be.

But also of things that happened. Loki never quite managed to mate back on Asgard. Did it on Midgard. First, in a brothel, quite willingly on both sides.

Second time, he almost forced himself on the Hawk, when the Hawk was his. Mind Stone's. His. Well. Who cares?

But there had been no coupling. Only forced kissing, and then-

He thought-- Barton's eyes -- for a moment, he must've stupidly imagined they looked like Thor's, even though they never did. Still, he felt... Loki felt... sick. And so, when the Hawkey began undressing Loki, the prince hit him with the Sceptre, hard, flinging him to the opposite end of the room.

And then, Loki felt he would vomit. That is. Had he eaten or drank anything this past week. Fortunately, he had not.

He healed Hawk, who broke some ribs due to that flinging. Healed him, because he was... embarassed, yes, just slightly embarassed, of trying to... well, in the end, he didn't do anything. So why was he still feeling embarassed sometimes? He was not embarassed of the hooker, after all, and there, he actually mated. With Hawk, he did not.

And Hawk's eyes weren't... oh, this was stupid.

The stupid cell only brought stupid memories to the forefront of Loki's cell.

Forever?

Maybe it would be great if the Titan could just hurry it up, come here, and finally murder Loki.

Loki sighed. No. Not here. Even... no. Better not here. if this were to happen here, Mother... Mom would see his body later and would be upset. And maybaps, even Thor.

The prison break is a fun distraction. Loki's almost giddy, now. It's like a breath of fresh air in that cell that was ever so slowly suffocating his heart.

And so - this is real? Or isn't it?

"Cast too many illusions, and--"

Well. Whether it is real or illusion, some harmless fun to annoy Odin and Thor would be just--- great!! How in Hel could he pass up such an icredible opportunity?! And so, he cheerfully gives those dead men walking some direction. Dead men walking, because they're surely about to incur his brother's, so dilligent on protecting all who live here except for one small Frost Giant brother pretender, wrath.

It's not much later that he feels--- feels so strange.... something, something has been cut, and Loki gasps, and tries to breathe. He breathes. Why, then, is his heart suddenly made of lead and poison?

He knows. He knows. Loki knows exactly what happened-

No. No. No. No it did not has not never will happen mother couldn't could not couldn't

it was a lie it was an illusion in fact in reality father and brother would have protected her 

When he felt most of her Seidr, her magic disappear he lied to himself over and over again that that was his imagination. Or the Other or Ebony Maw or even  _he - Almighty Thanos. Thanos_

_yes. yes. Thanos was. or Ebony Maw or the Other or some Black order member I do not even know, is torturing me from afar._

Yes, that was all, that was surely all. He made himself remember everything they liked showing him or making him feel and that was surely all.

He vomitted. And cried from relief after finally convincing himself that anything about .. about---! Was a stupid lie from afar, designed to kill him.

He accidetally stepped in some pieces of glass or whatever-- oh, right. Because of the lie, he accidentally broke his glass. Eh, so what. He never drank water more than once every fortnight here anyway.

Loki didn't bleed enough to his liking. If he had killed-- killed his mother, his... mor...

But no. T'was surely but a lie. An illusion.

Good. Good. T'was only a lie. And how like Maw, to try to make Loki believe that Loki was now some true Mother-murderer.

A lie. a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie--

 _Being with us is a blessing to you. Salvation. Freedom from destroying all that you care about. If you leave, you will only destroy yourself, and you will murder those few people you pathetically and uselessly love and loathe so much that you'd rather not talk about them,_ Maw said. And he was right, he was right, he was right, it's proven now, Loki destroyed--

But not really, that was just a feeling, a fleeting feeling just an illusion an illusion

_A lie. a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie. A lie. a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie. A lie. a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie. A lie. a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie--_

The litany continued on, through the day and the night. Loki convined himself at last. Mom, Mother, Frigga, **_Mor_** , was  ** _surely actually truly alive and well._**

A minute later, a guard came with belated news.

And Loki was caught red-handed in the greatest lie that then shattered to pieces, because, try as Loki might, it could no longer be sustained---

He couldn't conjure a dagger. The cell was warded from summoning kind of Magical Arts.

He didn't have a dagger at hand.

Oh. The furniture was now a bit destroyed.

How quaint.

He didn't have a dagger at hand.

Didn't have a dagger.

Didn't have a dagger.

And there was no window.

How cruel. What was he to do?

Maybe he could blame Thor. The great Thor, who couldn't save one Sun---

Aaahhh, but, blaming the Innocents, the now surely beautifuly broken, aching, suffering, blaming themselves as well, Innocents, oh, how he wanted to see pain on his face, he bet his own was greater than damned his---- blaming the Innocent oh so righteous Souls, without Mind, only went so far, only went so far when one had no Sceptre at hand to help. Ha!

An hour later, he thought of a thing. And so, with his hand on his own neck, he tried. And then stopped the moment it got slightly incomfortable, with shadows dancing before his eyes.

And tried again. And again.

He couldn't do it. Loki couldn't do it. At all.

Pathetic. He could not even avenge the only who's ever selflessly Loved him.

He didn't even care that in the future the Black Order would certainly see this in Loki's memories upon checking, at least Maw and _he_ would, if they ever meet again, and would  laugh at Loki.

 

no he did not care now

Right now, he just wanted to murder the bastard whom murdered Mama. Why, then, was he making no progress?

Pathetic.

Some time later, his brother came to visit, during a moment when Loki considered himself quite close to succeeding in his endavour to kill the Mother-Murderer. Just three more days or maybe a week, and he could've done it, hopefully!!

However, naturally, Thor just had to come interrupt him. But of course!

At least Thor did make some sweet death promises. But Loki was no fool, all those pretty promises were as empty as Loki's soul.

Surely Thor was doing his best with the seduction, but it was ever so empty.

Promises of death, without meaning it at all, or at least, not enough.

And then, the cell... could Loki at least ask for a dagger?


End file.
